


So I Tell Him

by Sasa_Q



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Amnesia, At first this was going to be like 300 words but then I Had Feelings, M/M, Married garashir, lots of sadness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-18
Updated: 2020-10-18
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:40:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27076621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sasa_Q/pseuds/Sasa_Q
Summary: Julian is stricken with amnesia, leaving his husband, Garak, to care for him.
Relationships: Julian Bashir/Elim Garak
Comments: 10
Kudos: 91
Collections: Trektober 2020





	So I Tell Him

Day 1.

Ten hours since Julian forgot his name, it's become clear the amnesia is here to stay. He doesn't remember. He barely knows how to speak Federation Standard. Julian doesn't remember. He doesn't remember who his parents are, or where he was born... and he certainly doesn't remember me. Maybe it's for the best that he doesn't know how much it hurts me to see him like this.

Day 3.

I'm not a very good doctor, especially compared to Julian. But I'm doing what I can for him. I'm doing my best. I try to care for him the best I can, to help him remember how to do things, and to comfort him when he gets confused about things. Like why I get sad when he tells me he really doesn't remember the first time we met.

Day 9.

He keeps asking questions that hurt me.

"What's your first name?" Elim. It's Elim.

"Were we close?" We were... very close.

"Why do you look at me like that?"

Why do you look at me like that? I can't come up with the right words to answer this question. So I just let it hang in the air.

Day 17.

He's finally beginning to understand about where he is. It's a planet called Cardassia, I tell him. We live here together. You're a doctor, and I'm... what would you call me? Maybe a leader. I certainly wouldn't want to be called a politician. Anyway, it's a planet called Cardassia, and the people that live here are called Cardassians. We look differently than you- that's because you're not Cardassian, you're human.

"If I'm human," he asks, "why am I on Cardassia?"

I tell him it's hard to explain. He tells me to explain anyway, that he can handle it. So I tell him. I tell him that it's because we're married.

"Oh," he says. "I guess you like me a lot, then."

I tell him... I tell him I suppose I do.

Day 35.

He's getting better at remembering things, but for some reason he has a hard time remembering his own name. Either that or he just likes hearing me say it. So I say it all the time. Julian, can you pass the fish juice? How are you today, Julian? And the one thing I can't bring myself to say... I love you, Julian.

Day 40.

Some of his colleagues from the hospital visited today. They brought flowers, which I put in vases in the living room. I know Julian likes the colors. His colleagues are polite. They tell me they know it must be a terrible strain on me to have to take care of him. I tell them I'm just doing my best.

Day 42.

He keeps asking me to explain how he got this way. I tell him I've explained it to him so many times already, surely it just adds insult to injury at this point. But he wants to hear it again.

I tell him how he was working on a small, formerly Dominion-occupied world in the Gamma Quadrant when he accidentally activated some kind of Dominion device. He began to lose memories bit by bit. By the time he returned to our home on Cardassia, he had forgotten even his name. I tell him that the Federation is studying the device, that they're doing their best, but that... well, but that he might have to be like this for a while.

Day 59.

I finally got the courage to sleep in the same bed as him last night. I've been sleeping on the couch in the living room ever since the accident, ever since he was struck with the amnesia. But last night, I decided to stop being a coward and to get in the bed with him.

"Do you mind if I sleep next to you?" I asked him. And he said no. So we slept next to each other, and when I woke up in the morning, I had wrapped my arms around him. I didn't realize how much I had missed doing that. I tell myself I'm never going to spend another night without him.

Day 67.

I tell him stories about Deep Space Nine. I think he really enjoys them, even the sad ones. I tell him about the time he went into another universe. I tell him about playing darts with Chief O'Brien. I tell him about all of his friends, and how much they care about him. I even tell him about Ezri.

"Tell me about the holosuite," says Julian. "About the secret agent program, and Vic Fontaine."

So I tell him. I tell him about the times we spent in the holosuite together in his flat in Hong Kong, having lunch. I tell him about how he would always drag me to see Vic Fontaine sing. I tell him that we had some good times in that holosuite.

"Secret agent, Julian Bashir," Julian says. "That's fun to say." I tell him I'm glad he thinks so, because he certainly got a lot of amusement over saying it back in the old days.

Day 84.

Today he held my hand for the first time. Without me prompting it, I mean. He just reached out and took my hand. And he got this look on his face, and said, "Does that make you happy?"

I didn't lie to him. I told him yes.

"Good," he said. "I like making you happy."

Day 96.

I made a mistake yesterday. Such a stupid mistake. When we were going to bed, and he said, "Goodnight, Elim" I said, "Goodnight, Julian."

Then I said, "I love you."

He just kind of froze up. I felt so awful in that moment. I still feel awful now. I can't imagine how he must feel right now. He probably feels pressured he say he loves me back. But I've only known him, in the way he is right now, for ninety-six days. I can't expect him to love me, no matter how much it hurts.

Today, he says, "Elim?"

I say, "Yes, Julian?"

And he says, "Elim, I l-"

"No," I cut him off. "You don't. You don't have to lie to me." I feel tears sting my eyes. "I'm going out for a walk in the garden."

I walk out in the garden and collapse on my knees among the plants. Tears roll down my cheeks. I feel like screaming. I can't deal with this any longer. I thought I could deal with caring for Julian in his amnesiac state. But I just can't. I'm such a bad husband.

I feel a hand on my back. It's Julian. I know it is, even though I can't bear to look up at him. "Elim," he says, "I'm sorry."

"That's not fair," I spit out. "That's not fair to you at all. I'm the one who should be apologizing."

"I don't like it when you're sad," Julian says, his voice small.

"Then I'll do my best to be happy," I tell him. I stand up and finally get the courage to look him in the eyes. My vision blurs with tears as I look at him. I love him so much it hurts.

Day 108.

It's past one hundred days now that he's been like this. You'd think I'd be used to it by now. But I still can't bear to look at him and know that nearly all of our memories together, our time on Deep Space Nine, our time married here on Cardassia, that all of that time is gone.

I love the things that have remained the same. I love his shy little smile, the openness of his grin. I love the color of his hair and skin, the sound he makes when he's amused. And I love the things that have changed. I love how he asks me questions, and even though it hurts, I love telling him about his memories of me. I love the look on his face when he gets confused, and the look on his face when he realizes something for the first time. I just love him.

Day 110.

The Federation scientists have finally contacted me again. They say they think they've figured out the device that gave Julian amnesia. They want me and Julian to go to Vulcan, where the device is, so they can give him his memories back.

I'm so full of hope, but so scared. I've been waiting for this for over one hundred days. It feels like a lifetime.

Julian and I are boarding a starship tomorrow to take us to Vulcan. We'll see how this goes.

Day 113.

Its turns out Julian is a bit scared of starships. He has no memories of ever traveling in one, so it's understandable. We have about five more days until we reach Vulcan. Julian sticks close by my side on the transport. He holds my hand. I don't mind that part.

Day 119.

We're finally here, at the Vulcan Science Academy, with the device that gave Julian amnesia. They've got it fixed, apparently, so that when they re-activate it, it will give Julian back his memories. I'm there in the room with them. They tell me I can't hold Julian's hand. I think he wishes I could.

"Is it going to hurt?" Julian asks them.

"No," says one of the Vulcans. "Just hold still." And they reactivate the device. It lets out some sort of beam, which attaches itself to Julian. He tenses up, closes his eyes. He stays this way for a few more seconds, and then the beam deactivates. His eyes open.

"Julian?" I say. "Julian, do you- do you remember?"

And he starts to cry.

"I don't remember," he sobs. "I don't remember."

I hurry over to him and I hold him tight. "It's okay, Julian," I tell him, my voice wobbling. "It's okay."

"This should have worked," the Vulcans are saying. "Perhaps it will take time for it to take effect. You will stay here for the next day so we can observe you." They turn to me. "Mr. Garak, we can assist you in finding reasonable lodging for the next day."

"No," I say. "I stay with him."

Day 120.

He still doesn't remember. More than a day later. I'm gutted. I was so sure it would work. But he still doesn't remember. I can tell he wishes he remembered. For my sake, maybe, as much as his. There's something in his eyes like the fear of disappointing me, and it kills me.

Day 125.

The Vulcans have ran more tests on him. They modified the amnesia device, and the beam, several times, and they keep waiting for it to take effect, but it just... doesn't.

Finally, they tell me that it is logical that Julian and I should return to Cardassia until they can perfect the device.

Day 138.

We spent most of the trip back home in silence. I don't know what to say to him that will make him feel better. I can't imagine how much it hurts for him. If it's anything like the way I feel, I know it must be terrible.

When we return to the house, we go to the garden and look at the flowers. He holds my hand tightly. "I meant it, you know," he tells me. "When I tried to say I love you."

"I know," I tell him. "I know."

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are very much appreciated!


End file.
